We are going on the trip of a lifetime and the two parts of my personality are at war. Anxiety/control vs. procrastination/let it ride. It’s really fun.

To celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary, the husband and I are going back to the Isle of Man, for the annual TT motorcycle races. We have a year to plan everything; unfortunately all this time means there’s plenty of opportunity for things to go wrong and for changes to have to be made.

So I take a few breaths and try to focus on something else, anything else but the celebratory excursion.

But I gradually drift back to booking flights, which are currently available for some airlines but not others, creating frustrating permutations and a gambler’s mentality (definitely not recommended for the anxious.) Is it better to lock in what’s available or hold out for a possible fire sale later? I just want to buy the tickets that have a layover in Iceland because I can the be done with everything that is currently plannable. But what if I can save hundreds if I hold out for the direct flight? That’s a few extra meals out while we’re on this vacation.

We’re going to be traveling between Dublin and Belfast at least twice, which should be fairly simple because there’s a train that runs almost hourly. But you can’t book those tickets so far in advance, which is killing me. What if we need to get to Belfast so that we can get on our ferry at 4 the next morning and there aren’t any open seats on any of the trains?

We do already have our ferries booked, which is great, because those have filled up incredibly quickly. Now I need to make sure we have lodging in Belfast where the ferry will leave from (at said 4 a.m.) and arrive in (at 1 a.m.), since we definitely won’t be able to get a train either way that early in the morning.

I did find an app for taxis on demand, and apparently Uber works, too, so getting between the marina and hotels should be alright. I know how ridiculous this all is – who the hell tries to plan a taxi a year in advance?!? The ferries and planes and hotels are all perfectly acceptable though- considering how popular this race has gotten. There were literally no hotels available when we decided to do this, more than a year in advance.

I’m looking forward to all the planning getting done, almost as much as the vacation itself. I know all this anxiety and stress is worth it, we had an amazing time twenty years ago and I can’t imagine it’ll be any different this time. I just wish I could let my usual nature of putting everything off as long as possible take the wheel and have the anxiety take the backseat for itself. Unfortunately, especially in trip-planning, anxiety refuses to cede control. Sometimes I find myself googling which channel the race will be on next year.

Emily Littlewood lives with her husband, Jason, in Raphine, Va. After getting a degree to teach English, Speech and Theater, she began working in banks. She is currently copy-editing for Streetlight and working back toward her passions.