TO: Right Brain
SUBJECT: Annual Evaluation
Your full Annual Evaluation Report will be sent shortly but I want to go over some of the highlights briefly. First of all, thank you for finally returning the questionnaire. Frankly, Corporate was getting a little peeved at the delay and hadn’t bought your excuse that it spontaneously burst into flames. Chumsworth said he saw you rummaging through the piles of clutter on your desk muttering, “It was just here…” Be that as it may, we’re glad you returned it although some of the executive team didn’t appreciate the doodling in the margins (flowers? really? and that thing that looked like…well, we brain-stormed ideas and “grotesque misshapen penis” got the most votes). Some of the team also thought the caricatures were unnecessary, particularly Parkenfarker. You should know he’s hypersensitive to the warts. That being said, there was one area of concern: your spotty contributions in recent production meetings. It’s become a game of peek-a-boo. Sometimes you sit mute or don’t bother to attend, other times you show up late and offer merely acceptable, but not high quality, ideas. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always glad for your contributions it’s just that they can fall far short of your potential. However, there have been some occasions, and I want to highlight this, where you have been outstanding. Case in point: last Wednesday’s meeting. By the way, I got a laugh when you stuck that note on the door telling Lefty the meeting was moved across town to a strip joint.
I know how you hate it when he drags everything down with his super-organized, nit-picking approach. (I agree with you on that. The guy can be a real buzzkill). As an aside, he didn’t find your joke particularly funny. A few of the “entertainers” dragged him onstage and made him join a pole dance. Someone got a cellphone video and it’s a scream. (We’ll show it at the Christmas party.) Anyway, he’s threatening some kind of legal action, but I’ll take care of it, don’t worry—as if you would. At any rate, once you had the room to yourself your presentation was spectacular. It was witty, articulate, creative and exceeded everyone’s expectations. The full-time rhymes and awesome alliterations! Similes fell like raindrops and the metaphors were fast-breaking curve balls! The ideas came so rat-a-tat-tat fast I could hardly write them down! At one point I had to close my eyes because the room started spinning! I don’t know where you get all that stuff but that’s exactly the kind of shit Corporate loves. Frankly, it’s why we hired you in the first place.
Yes, Frumpkins was a bit annoyed by the Groucho glasses and hand buzzer, not to mention the whoopee cushion, but no one paid him much attention. He’s a Lefty loyalist from way back. Anyway, it was agreed that the meeting was the best we’d had in months, maybe years, and we need more like it. So, please forward suggestions on how I can help you make similar contributions in the future. I will look into assigning Lefty to another team where he’ll be a better fit. Maybe he and Frumpkins can head up something together (can you imagine that? What am I saying, of course you can). Anyway, since you rarely read your emails, I have asked Gablonski to hand-deliver this printed copy. I told him not, under any circumstances, to leave it on your desk.
Will Conway is the 3rd place winner of Streetlight Magazine’s 2016 short short fiction contest.Follow us!
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